So, it’s Valentine’s Day today. I don’t know where you are located. I have subscribers all over the world. It is always fun for me to see people subscribing from cities that I have never visited, I would love to see all the places that people are logging in from to read what I have to share with them.

Valentine’s Day is a big deal here in the US. About a month leading up to it, you see stores filled up with merchandise that are all love-related: Heart shaped clothing, boxes, presents, and chocolate goods. Flower shops are especially active with heart balloons and bright pink and red flowers. It is a beautiful display of color everywhere you turn.

We don’t celebrate it in my house. I think the girls exchange some home made gifts with their classmates, but my husband and I do not buy cards or ant present for one another. To us, it seems fabricated and forced and it feels like a holiday that was created by companies to sell more flowers, balloons and chocolates.

Would I like to receive flowers and a thoughtful card? Maybe. Would I want it especially on this day? Definitely not. But you would not know that about me. How can you? You haven’t asked.

We all assume things about one another.

Assume that we may get offended if people do or do not do one thing or another.

Even though I don’t celebrate this holiday, I want to offer you a gift and a liberating thought:

You are not a mind reader. When in doubt, ask people.

We have all heard about the golden rule. Supposedly, crosses all religions, languages, races and cultures.

“The Golden Rule is the principle of treating others as you want to be treated.”

Is this really true, though?

So if someone likes to receive flowers on Valentine’s Day and gives me flowers, is that the right assumption about what I want ? Me, the person who does not wish to receive any gifts on Valentine’s Day.

How about a modified Golden Rule? One that promotes connection and conversation instead. How about if the new Golden Rule was treating others as they wanted to be treated? Not us. Them.

Mind blowing, isn’t it?

Isn’t that where the relationships fall apart?

I have all these needs that my spouse has no clue about, and then I pout and pull back when my needs aren’t met.

What kind of man does not know what his partner would want? On Valentine’s Day of all the days mind you.

What if we took responsibility for our own happiness? Whether I get a chocolate cake today, or a carrot cake on my birthday, it is all dependent on whether or not I have voiced a wish or an opinion that I want those specific things.

My husband wants to be playing sports in the ocean on Valentine’s Day. I know that is what he wants because we have talked about it. I prefer staying home, reading, doing yoga and creating written content such as this. I am happy. He is happy. We will end the evening by a simple dinner surrounded by our children: no flowers, no chocolates, no problem.

The life and the happiness you want to be creating this very moment is one hundred percent your responsibility. No one can read your mind to know what your wishes are, but chances are as you approach others with an open mind, love and curiosity, you get to treat them the way they want to be treated.

In turn, you set an expectation of how you wish to be treated.

To be able to set boundaries around what we do and do not expect and tolerate, we are learning the meta skill and art of self compassion.

It is really hard to expect others to love us, when we do not love ourselves first and foremost.

To create a magical loving Valentine’s Day exchange and experience, try these simple steps:

1. Treat others as they wish to be treated.
2. Know yourself well enough to know how you wish to be treated.
3. Share those wishes with one another.
4. Have a sense of mutual love, respect and understanding that in a loving relationship you will treat each other based on those wishes.
5. If others and yourself fall short of meeting those expectation, come from a place of love, acceptance and compassion. Compassion for the other person and compassion for yourself.

With so much love and Aloha,