“You are afraid of Surrender.

Because you don’t want to lose control.

But you never had control;

All you had was

  Anxiety.”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

This sentiment popped up online July 17th of this year. The art that goes with this saying is actually very simple and beautiful. But the meaning behind these very simple words made my jaw drop. You may recognize the author. Eat, pray, love. When I read it, I stopped what I was doing. Read it again. Thought about it, read it again and then I just said out loud:

Wow!

We are all physicians. I don’t care what you are going to tell me here and how you compare yourself to the next person over who is more driven, competitive, and ‘gunner’ than you are. We are all type As. My sister has a saying about really sweet TV journalists that are super successful: ‘They didn’t get there by simply being sweet’. 

Now I don’t know if that is her projection of how people succeed in life, but I get what she is trying to say. And we almost think that is how you advance in a rags to riches society. You show up to work way before people are there, and you are the last person to go home. You over commit your kids to sports and extracurricular activities (well, not now, but you know what I mean). You think the only way to succeed at anything is to over involve. Over deliver. 

When we lived in California, the very first year of my daughter’s school, I had signed her up in a public school that was a charter school. It was a GATE school. Meaning, in the first grade they would test the kids half way through the year and if they were deemed ‘gifted’ they would put those kids in a special class starting second grade. That is not why we went there. It was just that it was the public school in our neighborhood. I tried to invite my daughter’s classmates for her October birthday. It was impossible. Kids were in Mandarin classes (no Chinese connections), they were in the swim team and volleyball. There were children who had matriculated in 2 kindergarten schools before coming in and had continuation of public library parties with their kindergarten friends. Yes. Two kindergarten schools in one year: A public school in the morning and a private one in the afternoon. I am not making this up. The kids did not have time to come to my daughter’s birthday party. One of her closest friends had a fencing competition. Her mother was telling me how fencing is the best thing to take if you want them to get into ivy league schools. A 6 year old. Fencing. 

It was pretty clear to my husband and I that we were not the right fit for that school.

When I think of school, I think about planting the seeds of wonder. Developing a love of learning. Education is a marathon and not a sprint.

I am not trying to make anyone feel bad here. We all do the best we can. But my family has always had very strict media usage rules. My 6 year old would come home from her school and ask if she could play this animal game on the National Geographic website that other kids were playing and competing. She knew my answer, but would still ask, because her classmates wanted to know why she is not playing the game with them.

I have absolute conviction that use of the iphone, ipad and computer at a young age kills your creativity, creates impulse control issues and kids lose a way to entertain themselves. Wait till eight (grade) has always been my motto. My girls know this. 

Part of it is our parenting and part of it is our kids. They would be playing by the river bed with pebbles for literal hours. My girls were making fairy houses with sticks and leaves from the time they were 3. 

When my daughter was in first grade, she came home with a test she had taken that had a score of 90 percent. Next to it she had written: I’m sorry Mommy. I asked her,  ‘why did you write that?’.  She said well my friends said their moms would be very upset. I said, ‘Did you think I would be upset?’.  She said, ‘I don’t know’.

Well, I knew. I knew that it was time to switch schools. 

When we decided to put them in private schools, I knew I didn’t want to raise nervous test takers. So we heard about Waldorf education. I knew nothing about that. I had just heard that  they were weird people who didn’t teach kids how to read with parents who did not vaccinate their kids. Well, the Waldorf school in Sacramento is one of the largest Waldorf schools in North America. It is 22 acres by the American River and the curriculum was pure magic. They had a functional farm that kids tended to and produce that they would supply the whole neighborhood with. Graduates could read just fine and I had a physician colleague who was a ‘lifer’-someone who has only had Waldorf education growing up…

Obviously, I am the mother who vaccinated my kids. Obviously my children would get Tylenol if they had headaches and not peppermint oil. My point being the education is what I wanted for my kids. It was wonderful. There were kids in that school who did not have Television at home. Some had never seen a cartoon or a movie. When I sent my kids to a sleepover, they would end up knitting (first grade life skill) and making up Greek plays. No one was playing computer games. No one had phones and I did not have to tell them not to play on computer games.

When we moved to Hawaii, the kids stayed in a Waldorf School initially for continuity sake.  Unfortunately, it was not the same caliber. I’d call it Waldorf Light. It was more like the school where the kids who couldn’t get into more competitive private schools would end up in. The parents were wonderful. The curriculum was the same, but the media use policy for the kids was super lenient. I would see kids after class walking down the street looking at their phone or talk about a new Marvel movie on a Monday morning. 

Last year my older daughter moved to a traditional school and this year my younger one left Waldorf as well. I am pretty certain that had we stayed in Sacramento, we would have continued with Sacramento Waldorf School all the way through high school.

The Waldorf education was the best investment I made in my kids to be sure I was not raising nervous nellies. I have had friends who have the patience and resources to do homeschooling and I think they have done an amazing job of teaching the kids the love of learning and not the fear of the grade.

I worry that we are making our kids anxious. With testing and competition and over commitments and hoverings. I am a huge believer of instilling resilience, grit and compassion. That is what I want my kids school to continue providing. I am doing it at home, I just want a consistent message. 

I often tell my kids that it matters more to me that they sat with the lonely or the new kid at lunch than how they did on a quiz.

It matters to me that they are kind to each other and have more a sense of collaboration than competition. 

Personally, I have become the new champion for B minus work. I did not know the name for it, but I guess it is a thing.

Have you heard of the concept?

For example, take my podcast. It’s a one woman show. I have had zero help with any aspect of it. Authenticity is a big thing for me and if I hand the production to someone, what will come out on the other end may be polished and professional. But it also may not be me. So I learn to do it on my own and when I listen back to the program, it’s solid B work. It’s ok. It’s my work and I am putting it out there.

Solid B work releases a sense of anxiety that it is somehow embedded in our being. We were raised that way. Straight A student is a thing we were raised wanting to be, and we are raising our children to become that way, too. 

What we don’t realize is all that control for perfectionism is just creating anxiety. Constant, relentless anxiety that seeps into every aspect of our lives. The charting we do at work. The powerpoint presentation we have to put together. The dinner parties that one day we will host again. We are falling behind in our work because of the constant need for perfectionism. Everywhere. 

The straight A student cannot shut down the inner critic she has come to know from all her life. 

Tell her I said solid B is good work. Get out there. Shelf your anxiety and tell your controlling self to take the back seat. 

You got this. 

You will live a life on purpose. You will pursue your passions and live a life of meaning. You will make it home for dinner with your family because you could wrap up your B minus charting. You can sign up for a half marathon because you can do B minus training. 

How do you want to live your life?

A perfect straight A life riddled with anxiety and self doubt, or one with wonder and curiosity of a B minus student?

At 50 years of age, I know what I want for myself if I had to choose.

Have a wonderful weekend.