What is Toxic Positivity?

Have you heard of it?

We live in a society that wants to feel good all the time, and it wants to feel good right now. We watch movies that end well to such an extent that market research of a movie release comes from how the test audience liked the ending. If they don’t like it, they will make an alternate ending.

What are we doing to ourselves? Where in life do we get second chances like that?

I am here to tell you that it is ok for you to have all the feels.

It is ok for you to be overwhelmed.
It is ok for you to run around confused and lost.
It is ok to miss your loved one who has physically left the world we live in.
You can be disappointed, sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, and flat out mad at this world.

Experiencing emotional pain is part of the experience of being human. I want to feel this feeling.

I don’t want to cheer up. I don’t want to go for a run, or even cook dinner for my family, if what I want to experience is a bit of processing my feelings.

We want to sugar coat so much of what is going on in our lives. We want to hurry the experiences that are uncomfortable so we can get to the comfortable experiences, What if you just sat with the sadness and thought about it being part of your actual life experience.

Loss of someone we love is very profound. As a palliative care physician, I witness it almost weekly. When it happens to myself, I try to experience it. I don’t try to run away.

I don’t overeat. I don’t undereat. I don’t numb the feelings with alcohol or avoidance.

I go through my life. Nothing changes really. I saw all my patients last week. I have seen all my coaching clients this week.

Grieving happens as I live my life. Not instead of it. People wanted me to go home from work. My clients wanted to cancel their one on one. No need. I can do both. It is part of my life.

I hold space for myself.

I have been pretty open about my loss on social media. Hundreds shared their sorrow and offered light and meaningful thoughts. It made a difference. I know I am not alone. But I also know that I don’t want to not feel it. I don’t want to change this chapter, skip this song, and be done with it already.

That’s toxic positivity. The notion that when we don’t like something, we should skip ahead. Let’s not experience it, or worse yet: isn’t it enough already?

“Are you still upset about your uncle’s death?”

Yes, I am and it’s ok to feel this way.

For the Persian New Year, as I was sharing on my podcast last week, we buy two gold fish to symbolize the end of the solar year (Pisces). I mentioned that we wait until the last minute, because we don’t want one or both of them to die before the new year.

The truth of it is, almost 50% of the time, one of them dies within 7 days.

It makes me sad. On the other hand, it is a reminder.

This life is not guaranteed. I keep sharing this belief with us that we should live one day at a time and live every day to its fullest.

And if one of us loses a loved one, we should hold space, let them grieve.

It is more important to feel all the feels than rush through it and end up with complicated grief moving forward.

I know that I have upset or worried some of you in this space. Truly, I am doing well. I am surrounded by my loving family and feel supported and heard.

It’s ok that I am sad. It’s normal. It’s human.

So much love and Aloha to all of you.