We have all heard about the “Gratitude Journal”. This is not woo woo. It’s actual science showing us that keeping a daily journal thinking of three things in our life that we are grateful for actually has a direct positive effect on our well being. 

I will post something about the “Gratitude Letter” here after I have released my podcast on it, which is this Thanksgiving weekend. 

But have you heard about “Naikan Therapy?”

I lived in Japan for 2 years. What I have learned about Buddhism and Japanese culture sustains me to this very day. 

One of those was Naikan Therapy. It literally means “Looking Inside”. It’s a deep form of self reflection that you do on your own 30 minutes a day. 

It is not meditation.

It is not mindfulness.
It is certainly not woo woo. 

It was developed in the 1940s by Ishin Yoshimoto. A decent translation may be “seeing oneself with the mind’s eye.”

It’s three focused questions that you ask yourself. Then you give yourself 10 minutes uninterrupted time to answer it by writing your answers down.

Last month I did a workshop with Liz Gilbert, Author of Eat-Pray-Love. Part of her workshop was to write letters to myself from and to my different emotions. Fear and wisdom to name a few. 

It reminded me of Naikan Reflection. 

Here are the three questions that you use as a point of focused reflection:

1. What have I received from —— ?
2. What have I given to —– ?
3. What troubles and difficulties have I caused —– ?

These pointed reflection questions encompasse evaluation of all the relationships we have had in our lives. Parents, friends, children, partners, colleagues, siblings and teachers. 

If you are a follower of Marie Kondo, you can also extend this evaluation to objects (socks, books, clothes or even your home).

It is such a profound exercise. 

I worry that the way we live our lives is one that has made us act and feel entitled at best. 

We had a rough childhood. We didn’t have it easy growing up. We were bullied. We swam upstream. We were last to be picked for sports (It was dance for me when I didn’t see my name on the list of who was to go on the stage next). We didn’t get our first choice in whatever. People don’t treat us right: on the road, in the stores and in everyday life. Every day: Poor me. Why me. 

Well, these questions deeply question the notion of entitlement. 

The idea is to look back at 24 hours of your life. 

With the first question. What have you received from …. ?

Write it all down. It is so powerful. 

My husband woke me up and made and poured me coffee. He then made the bed with me without being asked. I took a shower and the water was properly hot and I had clean towels to dry off my body. My sister texted me to remind me of something. My younger daughter put away the dishes from the dishwasher. My daughter’s teacher checked her temperature to make sure she is keeping the school safe and wished me a good thanksgiving.  The neighbor had put away our recycling bin. 10s of people drove properly, either letting me know they were merging in, or letting me merge in without drama. I was let in by the parking lot attendant at work who was managing a broken gate. 

You get the picture. This was only the first two hours of my day. You can do this minute by minute. 10 minutes will go really fast. Thank people AND objects once you get good at it. The computer is working, the internet is connected, electricity is on. I am well fed and clothed.

Now, what have I given to …? 

I put away all the laundry for my family. Cleaned the kitchen and packed lunches for my husband and daughter. I washed the dishes. I mailed thank you letters to 2 of my friends. Ordered a Thanksgiving basket to my family I won’t be spending time with. I reminded my daughter to take her face shield.  I drove my daughter to school. I was a good driver and communicated with everyone and let everyone who needed to merge to get in. I called my sister and checked in with her on my way to work. I thanked the parking lot attendant for being so patient and helping everyone. 

Again. Just the first 2 hours. I could really fill in the blank so much more. I did so much more. No one has to thank me, but I try to make the life of people around me a little easier. I don’t need anything in return. It makes me happy to be a ripple of positivity in someone else’s life. I get something from it. It is not a selfless act. You are all doing it. Write them down.

The last one is a bit tougher. What troubles and difficulties have I caused …. 

We have always been behind someone in the groceries who has a ton of items and then they pull out the coupons. Then they write the check and the cashier needs to check the driver’s license. You only have one item. But what we forget is all the other times we were blocking the way of someone else. It is only a problem when it is someone else’s issue. So today, when I woke up, I listened to my daily meditation and was reminded of all the times I have been the one that caused trouble for other people in my life. Maybe merged into traffic too quickly and didn’t know it. Closed the elevator door without hearing someone’s footsteps approaching. Maybe I was the last one who used the water in the Keurig to make my coffee and not refill it. I am not sure I have done these today. But there are so many things we do everyday that inconvenience others that we don’t even think about. When someone points them out, we quickly say: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t notice. Well, here’s your chance to pause and notice. 

Keeping those times that we have caused inconveniences to others is a magical transformation. You lose the sense of entitlement. 

Instead of focusing on how everyone around us is focusing on themselves and leaving us behind as an afterthought, remembering that we do this to others all the time is mind blowing. 

For more than two months, I wrote in my physician support group Monday through Friday. My intention was to bring a sense of self awareness and appreciation for the life we have. I wanted us to be in the moment and celebrate this life we live today before it was too late. 

I had some unintended consequences. 

Some people left unhappy marriages. Some people left unhappy jobs. Some people moved from a toxic life situation. 

They all reached out to me and thanked me. They felt that their life was much improved because of my writings. As if I was talking to them and giving them permission to make the big decisions. 

I am happy that they are happy. But I had to pause and reflect. That was not my intention. If my writings have been inspiring any of you to get out of a bad situation and move into a better one, I am truly grateful. But if I caused further chaos or turmoil in your mind questioning if you are truly living an honest and intentional life, I am sorry. 

This introspection led me to stop writing in that space daily. I want to inspire. I want to create a sense of awareness and appreciation of what we have. 

And if I inspire anyone to leave a situation that is less than good, I want to make sure you are good and done when you leave. From a place of love and understanding, not a place of desperation and scarcity. 

If any one of you wants to reach out to me to talk about what is troubling you, I am more than glad to lend you a loving ear. I am here to listen. I work with clients who are struggling with life. If you are unravelling I can be of some help to you. 

Don’t run out of a burning building. Run toward a life on purpose with intention. 

To review the Naikan questions…

I hope I have not caused anyone troubles and difficulties with my posts. 

So much love and aloha to you all.